I ate again. I couldnapos;t help it. I donapos;t know what else to do. I feel a bit anxious. I hear them louder...... INVEGA DONapos;T WORK. Blah, bla.
I got paranoid of the radio earlier. I was getting bad information from it.
I got paranoid again. I turned it off. It was like the radio was making fun of me. Not cool.
Sometimes, I get it from the t.v. Too. The t.v. Tells me Iapos;m fat. Yeah, I know about the abundance of weight loss ads, but sometimes I hear "fat" on t.v. Even when itapos;s not broadcasting weight loss products. Just a regular show.
Which reminds me, lots of folks here at Utah refer to films/movies as "shows." Theyapos;ll say, "that was a good show." And they call soda pop. So I could say, can you pause the show while I grab some pop?
Pretty cool sounding. I like it. Yeah, I like it.
Not manic, just a little high up there. Maybe this is my mania now? Food-induced? I thought food made me sleepy. AHHHHHH I hate being enslaved to food.
I turned the radio back on. I like the radio, except when itapos;s making fun of me or unpleasantly communicating. Radio sometimes flirt with me. Sometimes it points out the obvious. Sometimes it broadcasts the future. Sometimes itapos;s an asshole, like it was a couple of minutes ago.
Radio, radio, gimme gimme. Gimme my radio, gimme my radio. That used to be stuck in my head while I waited for jail and mental hospital to give me my radio. Both in jail and hospital, I had to wait for my level to go up until I gain the privilege of using my radio. In the hospital, my level was lowered for a while and I had to wait a week til they gave me back my radio. It was ok though. I just worked out non-stop and didnapos;t bitch.
By the way, Elizabeth Smartapos;s kidnappers are in the forensics unit of the State Hospital. I donapos;t think I saw them though when I was there. This girl from the psych ward wondered how I survived that place and jail without getting my ass kicked. Eh? I loved the people I met there. One of the good friends I made in USH even made me a tag art that says "homie." Sheapos;s cool. Another artist in jail made me a bunch of art for trade or just practice. I made good friends with one of my bunkies, etc. Etc. I made more friends inside institutions in Utah than anywhere else outside in this state. The people I met in those places are friendlier than the people at work. Fo sho.
Really, I donapos;t know why I would have gotten my ass kicked. I made a few people mad in jail, but no ass kicking. They just hated, thatapos;s all. But not enough to lay one on me.
I made more friends than enemies though. And in USH, I got along with everyone I met. I wish I had an opportunity to meet Elizabeth Smartapos;s kidnappers though. I wonder if I actually did apos;cause I donapos;t even know who they were or what they looked like then. There was one creepy guy who I thought might have been a pedophile apos;cause I look so much like a kid, I wonder why he was looking at me the way he did. I kinda acted like a kid too.
Everybody here--in the ins and the outs--think Iapos;m a minor. Ah Not really that offended or annoyed though. Maybe when I balloon up again theyapos;d buy into my adulthood.
My nose is itchy and Iapos;ve been breaking out. apos;Cause my stupid engineers keep making me rub my dirty hands all over my face even when I tell them I donapos;t wanna do that. They fuck me up so many times and now my nose hurts. It hurts from the inside, like all wounded up. What a louse I am.
Sometimes my nose run. And now it hurts.
The radio plays some good music. Iapos;ve been listening to it all day. Radio Jamaica or something like that, it was a reggae show, was on earlier. Then a few hours of music from all over the world. Now itapos;s playing all sorts of hipster stuff, which arenapos;t bad at all. I donapos;t like a lot of indie, like the ones that sounds like Radiohead, but I havenapos;t been hearing that lately. Just more upbeat tunes. Not that I donapos;t like slow music; I just donapos;t like a lot of them. I love folk; I love singer-songwriter type of stuff. I just canapos;t fucking stand slow, whinny vocals, I think. Or no, I just canapos;t stand Radiohead--I think thatapos;s it. And anything else that sounds like it. I think. apos;Cause I listen to whiny punk. Sometimes I donapos;t like Radioheadapos;s music either, even without the vocals. There was one Radiohead song I really like, I just donapos;t remember what itapos;s called. I also like Creep. Maybe it just depends on my mood. Itapos;s just that Iapos;m reminded of the other day (or was it yesterday?) when a Radiohead song came on the radio, and I thought, I really hate this song. Maybe not "hate" just dislike. But the way I remember it now, I hated it. apos;Cause my current mania exacerbates the feeling I had then.
Thatapos;s why I think weapos;re all natural born liars. apos;Cause when we recall past experiences, our current emotions/moods/perception influences the way we recall. So even if we swear weapos;re telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth--weapos;re wrong. Weapos;re adding to the supposed truth.
No truth. All recollections are lies. Lies, lies, lies
I love the smell of Nag Champa. Incense make me happy. I think Iapos;m gonna go light another one, then go outside for a smoke. I with I could smoke indoors, but I like going outside anyway. Away, away, away.
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